weird things happened

I am not the kind of person to travel. I'm not but I did.....


I went to Italy. It all worked out. I am a world traveler.

But here's the thing! After being back home for months it's almost hard to believe that I actually did that. "I went to Italy" sounds false coming out of my mouth. These memories that I have circling my brain don't feel like mine. They feel like they were stolen from the sort of person that would get on a plane and travel thousands of miles from their home....which isn't me at all.

I'm a nester, so to speak. I stay home; my kind of social gathering is going to a crowded place to read. And yet, I-ME!-I went to Italy.

But besides all that it's hard to come back to reality.

College has started again. I'm in my senior year of college about to get my English Literature Major with a Certificate in the Classics, but nothing seems normal anymore. Last year when I started classes again it seemed normal; I've had 15 previous first days of school and everyone of them got me used to the routine of it. I buy the school supplies, do the homework, etc etc. But this time? I made all the preparations and do all the homework and it all seem dissimilar. Like this is my first first day of school. I cant help but wonder if it's because I went to Italy, or if there's some unknown reason as to why this time is so different.

I'm stupid!

So my life has been going pretty...ok recently. I am in my third year in college and just transferred from MATC to the University of Wisconsin Madison. I now, after a long time searching, have found a great job that doesn't make me hate my life and the people I work with are great too. Though school is still streasful enough to make me have panic attacks at least one a month I am fairly comfortable with my life.

Why am I stupid you ask? Because I am putting everything I have into a study abroad opportunity to maybe, if I get accepted, going to Italy. There I would be visiting places like Pompeii and Herculaneum and eating real italian pizza and gelato.

Sounds Great? But if you knew me you would know why this is stupid.

I am a person that puts everything I have into a dream of mine and go for it. When I don't get that dream I am completely crushed and it takes me forever to recover. I dream of traveling and going to a place that not only is foreign to me but also a place that has a lot of ties in Mythology. There is a very real chance that I can be not accepted into going on this trip. There is also a very real chance that I will be accepted and then after everything is ready to go the terror of what I am about to do, leave Wisconsin for 3 weeks by myself, will hit and...I don't know what would happen then.

I'm also pretty anti-social. Of course, I struggle with this part of myself on a daily basis and continuously try to get over my insecurities but I've never quite gotten over it. During these three weeks, if I go of course, I'll be surrounded by people I don't know and expected to make friends with them.

So I'm stupid because when I finally get comfortable in my life, or as comfortable as I could get, I go and screw it up! I do something that quite possibly could mean counselling if it goes bad....or if it goes good for that matter.